Archive for February, 2010

The Skinny on Negative Calorie Foods

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Poor No name/No state, whoever he or she is. Clearly he or she wants to lose weight and isn’t sure how to go about it. His or her question, posted on MSN’s Health and Fitness page is this: “I’ve heard that eating negative calorie foods might be a good diet strategy. But what exactly are they?” (http://tiny.cc/MtHdp)

Negative calorie foods, as explained in the answer provided by MayoClinic.com, are foods that supposedly take more calories to eat than they provide, thereby causing the eater to actually lose weight in the very process of eating them.

Can it be true? Do negative calorie foods really exist? MayoClinic.com says it’s possible, but there’s no science to back it up. In other words, negative calorie foods are sort of like Santa Claus. If you want to believe, it’s up to you.

Negative calories food lists usually include: celery, carrots, cucumber, lettuce, cantaloupe, grapefruit, watermelon, and other (surprise!) fruits and vegetables.

A king size Snickers bar never makes the list, but if you ate one while running a marathon, that’s another story. That’s because running a marathon burns a heck of a lot more calories than eating a piece of celery. I bet you could even stop for a cheeseburger along the way and still be in the red.

In other words, No name/No State, any food can be a negative calorie food depending on what you do while eating it.

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Obesity — It’s Not Just for Americans Anymore

Friday, February 19th, 2010

In 1958, John Kenneth Galbraith wrote in The Affluent Society, “More die in the United States from too much food than from too little.”

Well, John. The times they are a-changing. Now more die in the world from too much food than from too little. According to the World Health Organization, which says that “overweight and obesity are linked to more deaths worldwide than underweight,” over 2.5 million people die each year from being too fat (http://…com/yzbdkt9).

That’s right, folks. It’s not just Americans who are eating themselves to death anymore.

Is that progress? I can’t tell.

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Kids Oversexed? Blame It on Valentine’s Day

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

There’s a lot of talk about how kids are oversexed these days and who’s to blame. Television? Rap music?

I say elementary school teachers for those smutty Valentine’s Day parties they throw. You know the ones I’m talking about, with those handmade paper mailboxes and punch-and-cookie rations.  Sure, the parties seem innocent enough, but a SpongeBob SquarePants Valentine card is still a Valentine card. “Will you be my Valentine?” isn’t about being friends. It’s about getting into somebody’s squarepants.

In other words, why is a holiday with ties to the Roman festival of fertility celebrated in grade school?

It doesn’t make any sense. Valentine’s Day is about romantic love, celebrated in the middle of February because a long time ago, people noticed that’s when the birds were pairing up to do some of that “birds and bees” stuff.

St. Valentine doesn’t have anything to do with it either. He’s just a guy who was martyred around the same time the birds were getting it on. For the record, there were at least three St. Valentines, and all of them were martyred. What kind of message that sends about romantic love, I don’t know, but diamond industry is all over it.

There’s an old wives’ tale about marriage and Valentine’s Day. It says if a woman sees a robin fly overhead on Valentine’s Day, it means she’ll marry a sailor. If she sees a sparrow, she’ll marry a poor man and be happy. And if she sees a goldfinch, she’ll marry a millionaire.

In other words, it helps to know your birds. So, that’s what grade school teachers should do on Valentine’s Day. Skip the Valentine sentiments and give a lesson on birds. If you’re going to teach kids to play this adult game of love, you better know what you’re looking for.

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I Stand Up, You Stand Up, We All Stand Up for Ketchup

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Good for Heinz! After forty-two years, it’s redesigned the ketchup packet. This one’s good for dipping, while you drive.

Apparently, that’s been the problem for years – how to use ketchup while you drive. That’s why, when it came time to redesign the packet, those clever guys at H.J. Heinz, Co. bought the design team a used minivan to work with. That’s right. This new ketchup packet has been road tested.

If you haven’t seen it yet, this fancy new packet is made out of plastic and is shaped like a little cup, just like the dipping packets you see for barbeque sauce and other dipping sauces available at fast food restaurants everywhere.

Why Heinz needed to buy a minivan to figure this one out, I can’t imagine. The design team probably just loaded themselves into it and drove thru McDonald’s for some lunch. Then someone ordered the McNuggets with some barbeque dipping sauce, and problem solved! They probably all took the afternoon off after that no-brainer.

By the way, I get those kinds of good ideas all the time. The kind that are based on somebody else’s good idea.

I stand up for ketchup! I love it on everything. Whipped cream in the bedroom? No thanks. Hand me the ketchup. And those exploding foil packets are good for a laugh, but bad for car upholstery, so I’m all for this new, old, innovative design. But with texting on the rise, giving drivers another thing to do while operating a heavy machine makes me nervous about getting back on the road.

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