Archive for April, 2010

Boobs and Stunts

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

You know what’s wrong with this world? You can’t trust anybody.

Take Lane Byrant. About a week ago, it releases the story that both ABC and Fox networks have banned its new lingerie ad on the basis that the ad exposes too much cleavage. Oh, says Lane Byrant. So Victoria’s Secret can flaunt lingerie-clad model-perfect bodies on primetime TV, but when the women are plus-sized, it’s another story. That’s discrimination, the company cries!

If you haven’t seen the ad, you can check it out on the LaneBryantCurves YouTube channel here.

Incidentally, or maybe not, the so-called BANNED ad has over 2,000,000 views on the Lane Bryant YouTube channel alone, ranking it one of the top ten most viewed videos of the week.

After watching it, I think you’ll agree: the gal’s got some bazooboos. And yes, the ad is sort of saucy, but not really. Certainly it’s no saucier than Pamela Anderson has ever been, parading around her floatation devices, which are currently on display on this season’s Dancing With The Stars.

Now we hear that the whole thing was just a publicity stunt. ABC says it never banned the commercial. Fox says it didn’t have a problem with the ad either. You can read the FoxNews.com story here.

So who’s telling the truth? Probably nobody. Meanwhile, no one’s panties are in a wad over the 30-second Reebok spot that shows a montage of nothing but little hot butts in little boy shorts.

So what have we learned? Controversy sells. News isn’t always reliable. And short attention spans or not, big bazooboos are still the quickest way to get people’s attention.

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Friends, Fruits, and Cocktails

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

I’m sure making lots of new friends on my blog. Nice people, like Tommy Hilfilger Handbags, Adult Movies, and online dating.

Like a lot of my old friends, I get the feeling my new friends aren’t really reading my blog because most of their comments don’t make much sense. Usually they’re just a lot of gibberish, plus some words I recognize like Valtrex and Viagra, and links to websites I’m afraid of.

One gal wrote something nice, but then linked to a website with “squirt” in the url. I didn’t check it out, but I have a feeling it doesn’t have anything to do with citrus.

Speaking of citrus, here are some fun facts about citrus I learned from Sunkist Kids:

Navel oranges get their name from the big belly-button thing that forms on the end opposite the stem. The bigger the belly-button thing, the sweeter the orange.

Because of their scurvy-preventing magic, lemons were as valuable as gold during the California Gold Rush of 1849. That’s why so many lemon trees were planted in California. Along with Arizona, these two states produce 95% of this country’s lemon crop.

Grapefruits are juicy (75% percent juice). A medium grapefruit can yield 2/3 of a cup of freshly squeezed juice.

Citrus juice goes well with vodka. (NOT a Sunkist Kids fun fact.)

My favorite? A Greyhound, just in case somebody wants to buy me a drink for this excellent blog.

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What Goldman Sachs and Health Insurers Have in Common

Friday, April 16th, 2010

Health insurance companies are investing in fast food? That’s outrageous!

I mean, come on, that’s like Goldman Sachs investing in hedge funds that they know are going to lose value.

Wait. Goldman Sachs did invest in hedge funds that they knew were going to lose value, and they made a bundle doing it. (Note to Goldman Sachs: Yes, the government is mad, but both sides appreciate the donations.)

Back to health insurance companies. Some of them own stock in McDonald’s! And Burger King! And Yum! Brands. That’s according to a new report by some Harvard Medical researchers, who are very upset about their findings. Read the ABC News story here.

The researchers are so upset, they want the health insurance companies to sell that stock NOW. Either that or muscle fast-food companies to make changes, like stop making fast-food.

Yes. Well, based on the recent health care reform, we know health insurance companies are good at muscling people into things, but it’s not likely they’re about to do anything about their fast-food holdings, except keep cashing in.

Those poor Harvard Medical School researchers. They’re smart, but they just don’t understand the real world.

What you do and what you say you do are never in conflict when you have money on your mind. And that’s exactly what Goldman Sachs and health insurance companies have in common: greed.

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The Good News about American Idol!

Wednesday, April 14th, 2010

You think diets are boring, you should watch American Idol Season 9. That’s a bigger snoozefest than the Cabbage Soup Diet.

Seeing Adam Lambert on the show last night as a guest mentor was a reminder of just how boring this year’s season has been.

So what’s wrong with American Idol Season 9? According to Dame Edna, it may be that the judges have become more interested in their own star rating than they are the contestants. You can watch her comments on ABC’s The View here.

Speaking of snoozefests, The Diet Joke, a decidedly not-boring diet book, is NOT moving up the charts of Amazon.

Imagine then how excited I was when a segment coordinator from a big cable network contacted me today about the possibility of being a guest on a nationally televised talk show!

The good news is, it will only cost me $5000.

Wait. That was the bad news.

The good news is, I have to pay for my own transportation to the studio which is on the other side of the country.

Wait, that was bad news too.

The good news is, I get to pay to overnight my book to them to see if they’re interested.

No, wait. That wasn’t good news either.

The good news is, Adam Lambert is on American Idol again tonight.

I knew there was something.

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The Best Foods for Focus

Saturday, April 10th, 2010

I can hardly concentrate today. That’s why I was drawn to an article entitled The Best Foods for Focus .

According to the article, the best foods for focus include salmon, peppermint tea, trail mix, ground flaxseed, coffee, blueberries, low-fat yogurt, and mixed nuts.

I’ve had at least three of those foods in the last two hours and I can barely finish this sentence. That’s why I’ve compiled my own list of the best foods for focus. Here they are.

1. Red Bull. I’m not suggesting you drink Red Bull. I’m just saying it does a pretty good job of snapping you into shape. I’ve only had two Red Bulls in my life, both in the last month, and both on the same day when I had to get up and drive to Los Angeles at 4 a.m. All I can say is, I made it in record time. If you’d like to know what’s in Red Bull, Wired Magazine tells you here.

2. Habanero chile. I haven’t tried this yet so I can’t say for sure, but I bet if your mind’s a little foggy, eating one of these babies will probably clear it. Want to see how habaneros rate compared to other chili peppers? Here’s a chart from Illinois State University’s website.

3. Delivery Pizza. Delivery pizza itself may not perk you up, but if you doze off, at least you can count on someone to wake you in 30 minutes.

Okay, so it’s not the best blog, but my delivery habanero pizza and Red Bull haven’t arrived yet. I think I’ll just doze off until they do.

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Tiger Woods, Augusta, and The White Masters

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

I’d sure like to know if Augusta club chairman Billy Payne has any skeletons in his closet. I would guess he does. I don’t think you get to be a member of the most exclusive golf club in the world by being a nice guy.

Payne came out today wagging his finger at Tiger Woods for his “egregious” behavior. In a prepared statement, Payne said Tiger “disappointed all of us” and “didn’t live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children.”

Gee, Mister Payne. I’m not sure your fancy club is in the position to throw stones. Your fine glass house is renowned for its long-standing discriminatory practices. No African-American member until 1990. Still not a single female member. I mean, I get that if you were, say, running your own gentlemen’s club or maybe even your own tree house club, but Augusta isn’t either of those.

It’s just an exclusive golf club for men who are super rich, and preferably white. And historically, super rich white men aren’t known for their un-egregious, not disappointing, exemplary role-model behavior. I mean, we only have to go back to the subprime mortgage house-of-cards fraud for a recent example. I wonder how many green jackets you handed out for that?

And I’m not going to go into the whole South thing, but I doubt a club created in Georgia in the 1930′s as a haven for the elite has the kind of civil rights record that should be a role model for anyone.

My point is, Mr. Payne, Augusta is hardly in a position to wag their finger at anyone. I suppose that’s the point of having your own elite private club. You get to do whatever you want when you’re in it. Maybe you should invite the Pope to join. I have a feeling he’d fit right in.

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Hot Buns, Baby!

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

Hot buns, and I don’t mean the kind made with yeast, are within reach for all of us! That’s according to an article on MSN’s Health and Fitness page entitled Your Best Butt Ever!

The article begins with the sentence, “There’s nothing more alluring than a firm, curvy butt.”

I guess, if you’re a butt person. But what if you’re a shoulders person, or a legs person. I happen to be a nice car person, and by that I mean, I go ga-ga when somebody drives by in a Bentley. I don’t care how firmy curvy your caboose is, nothing gets me hotter than a brand new Bentley.

“Hoochie coochie mama!” I shout out when I see one roll by. I don’t even know what hoochie coochie mama means, but I bet a Bentley is pretty close.

Back to firmy curvy butts. Getting one requires doing this workout.

Included in the workout are all the exercises I hate, including squats, lunge kicks, ball squats, single-leg squats, squat punch kicks, plus some butt-burning cardio intervals in between, repeated three times, and done three times a week for 8-12 weeks, when, at the end, if you stick to it, you’ll be able to bounce a penny off your rear.

I don’t know if you’ll actually be able to bounce a penny off your rear, but it should be plenty firmy curvy by then, which the author of the article finds very alluring.

Me? I’ll be sitting at the coffee shop waiting for a Bentley to roll by.

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Big Macs Are Good for You!

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

April Fools’ Day is here, or as I like to call it, International Cruelty Day.

Nobody’s really sure about the history of April Fools’ Day, but some say it has to do with the French moving the New Year from April 1 to January 1. Others say it has do with the beginning of Spring. Whatever the origin it seems everybody agrees, we want a holiday where we can be mean to people.

No cards, no presents, no candy. Just a day to be a dick. We don’t even want the day off. In fact, we want to go to work so we can use the company phone.

According to the website Museum of Hoaxes, the #1 April Fools’ hoax of all time is The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest, masterminded by a BBC cameraman back in the late 1950′s.

The story goes, this cameraman’s a kid in school and his teacher says something about the class being so stupid that they’d believe spaghetti grows on trees if the teacher said it were true.

See. This is how meanness starts. Somebody calls you stupid and you want revenge. Of course kids will believe what adults tell them. Kids will believe anything, and Disney knows it. (FYI, that whole Prince Charming thing–so not true).

Cut to years later, this cameraman sells his producers on the hoax “let’s do a story about how spaghetti grows on trees and see who believes it.” And a lot of people did. Many even called the station wanting to know where they could buy a spaghetti tree.

Does that make people stupid or just interested in ready-to-go food? I think the latter, which is why it’s so hard to get people to give up fast-food.

Oh, and that headline that Big Macs are good for you. April Fools.

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