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The Diet Joke Health Tip #4

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

Health tip #4:

Never give up on the day!

One of the problems with trying to take better care of ourselves is that we think in terms of days. We go to bed, motivated to the make the most of the next day, then we wake up and eat a donut. Well, we think, I guess this day’s shot. We’ll try again tomorrow. Next thing you know, we’re having a Monte Cristo sandwich with fries for lunch. When the dinner invitation for deep dish pizza comes up, we’re like, what the hell?

I’ll tell you what the hell! You’re gonna have a heart attack if you keep that up.

The point is, the day is never shot. So maybe you didn’t eat the best breakfast. Try a little harder to eat well at lunch. Maybe you ate too many lunch room holiday leftovers this afternoon. Eat a little less for the rest of the day. Too much Pasta Carbonara at dinner. Skip dessert and take a walk.

Not only will you feel good that you didn’t throw the whole day away, you will get into the habit of make adjustments throughout the day. The truth is, some mornings you may want a donut. You can have one occasionally, as long as you don’t take it to mean you might as well eat the whole box.

 

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The Diet Joke Health Tip #3

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012

We saw Janet Jackson in a Nutritsystem commercial three times today while watching What Not to Wear. We intended to come home and get out the door fast for our regular walk, but work was a little overwhelming after the holiday break and we opted for TV and a nap instead. Guess who’s sorry now? Still, it inspired our next health tip.

Health Tip #3:

Stop following the advice of celebrities.

I’m not a celebrity, so you can follow mine. Also, I’m not being paid anything for my advice, which is what most advice is worth.  According to one website, “Weight-loss companies often pay seven figures to have major names promote their products.” The author didn’t back it up with any specifics, so neither will we. We just want to point out that you will pay hundreds of dollars a month to be on the same program these celebrities are on for free, plus paid plenty extra to endorse.

I’m pretty sure if someone paid you a million dollars to lose weight, you could do it. If someone had paid me to come home and take a walk, I would have done it, too.

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The Diet Joke Health Tip #2

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

Man, this is harder than I thought, and I’m only on day 2. Not that coming up with great tips is so difficult, but having to sit at the computer and type them in, especially when another one of my resolutions is to not sit at the computer so much. Let’s get this over with.

Here it is! Health Tip #2:

Take a 30-minute walk today.

You won’t just get your blood circulating, you’ll actually lose weight. According to the UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, a 200-pound person who starts walking a mile and a half a day and sticks to the same amount of daily calories will lose an average of 14 pounds a year.

What are we waiting for?

As Hippocraties once said, “Walking is a man’s best medicine.” And one of our most affordable, too.

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Happy New Year Health Tip

Sunday, January 1st, 2012

Happy New Year, everyone!

We at The Diet Joke wish you a prosperous and healthy 2012!

Is one of your resolutions to take better care of yourself? We’re on board. Our resolution is to give you one valuable tip a day to help you do so. Our other resolution is to dust more. So far, so good. We’ve already gone through three disposable Swiffer dusters today.

Our first valuable tip for taking better care of ourselves in 2012:

Give up soda.

We don’t mean a soda should never pass through your lips ever again, but we would all avoid a lot of empty calories if we saved those sodas for special occasions, or at least really hot days. Think about it: 3 regular sodas a day is almost 500 calories. And we’re not suggesting you substitute regular soda with diet soda. Too many chemicals.

As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbours, and let each new year find you a better man.”

And a healthier one, too!

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Holiday Healthy Flying Tips

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

The Christmas rush is fast upon us. With 5 days left to go, we at The Diet Joke still have to get a tree, put up decorations, send out cards, buy presents, wrap them, and bake cookies. Of course, we’re busy the next three days, so we’re planning to knock it all out Christmas Eve. Lucky for us, we’re staying put this holiday season. If you’re one of the millions flying about, you might be interested in the MSN Health article, 10 Preboarding Secrets to Staying Healthy When You Fly.

Suggestions include: eating a healthy meal before you fly, carrying your own blanket and pillow, and avoiding the airport bar. Also, since you can’t carry liquids through airport security, carry an empty water bottle and refill it often. Drink water before you get on the plane. Drink water on the plane. Here’s another tip: avoid the restrooms–they’re teeming with germs.

Hold on, Dasher!

How are you supposed to drink a lot of water in the airport and on the plane, and avoid the restrooms? That’s the problem with a lot of advice: It’s just not practical. The article does say, if you have to use the restroom (duh! you just told us to drink all that water), use a paper towel between your hand and ANYTHING, and wash your hands thoroughly.

Great advice, provided the bathrooms have paper towels. A lot of establishments have decided that air dryers are the way go and no longer provide another option.

So what’s a holiday-spirited traveler to do? Maybe stuff those stockings with vitamins and anti-bacterial hand wipes.

Have a safe trip, friends!

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Oh Oh Oh It’s Magic

Saturday, December 17th, 2011

Hey, man! What’s wrong with this picture?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with this picture. I took it today and it’s no different than the picture I took two weeks ago. The real question is, what’s wrong with this tomato? It’s been sitting on my counter for almost a month. And it’s supposedly “organic.” Why won’t it rot?

Come on, you crazy tomato, ROT!

Whatever they put in this tomato, they should put in a skin cream. I’d buy it.

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The Non-Rotting Organic Tomato

Monday, December 5th, 2011

This tomato has been on my counter upward of 3 weeks now. And it refuses to rot! Amazing. I thought organic meant, you know, more natural. But apparently, it means more magical and non-rotting. Sure, the tomato has aged a little, but still, the thing should be rotten by now. Maybe that’s why we live so long these days. We’re eating magical, non-rotting food.

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Threat Level Raised to Red

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

The Diet Joke raised the Overeating Threat Level to Red for all Americans this holiday weekend. According to author Lisa Pedace, who created the Overeating Advisory System based on the now-defunct Homeland Security Terror Alert System, Thanksgiving weekend poses a specific and credible threat for most Americans’ waistlines.

“We wish all Americans a safe and happy Thanksgiving. We also encourage them to exercise caution and act responsibly, whether they’re sharing the road with the other 42 million Americans who are traveling this weekend, or staying at home to host family and friends.”

Some tips for those getting behind the wheel:

  • Don’t drink and drive.
  • Don’t eat and drive.
  • Don’t sleep and drive.
  • Don’t text and drive.
  • Don’t watch football on your phone and drive.
  • Don’t fight and drive. (We know the holidays are stressful but, come on, it’s Thanksgiving.)

In addition to due diligence on the road, The Diet Joke encourages all Americans to practice equal common sense at the dinner table. Some things to remember as you take your seat:

  • First of all, somebody spent a lot of time in the kitchen to create the meal you’re about to enjoy, so savor it. Don’t inhale it. Remember, turkeys gobble. People chew.
  • Thanksgiving is not a competitive eating sport. You don’t win a prize for eating the most.
  • If you need to unbutton your pants or adjust your belt to keep eating, chances are you’ve had enough.

Most of all, remember that Thanksgiving is a day to express gratitude for the good things in our lives. The food in front of us is just one of those things. The people we share it with is another.

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HCG Diet Distress

Friday, October 21st, 2011

Some days the internet makes me happy, like yesterday, when I got two sweaters on sale from Target.com for $15 each.

Other days the internet makes me sad, like today, when I stumbled across the Slate article I Did a Crazy Fad Diet From the Internet. And it worked. I didn’t even stumble across it. It’s right smack on the front page of MSN.com.

In the article, the author, frustrated with those last 10 unwanted pounds, writes about her success with a diet she found on the internet: the hCG diet — short for human chorionic gonadotropin, a type of hormone produced during pregnancy. The online diet works like this: you buy drops of the stuff and then only eat 500 calories a day. The author, who knows a sham when she sees one, didn’t fall the drops, which the FDA calls fraudulent. Instead, she found a doctor who agreed to inject her with the juice at a cost of $450.00. The doctor-prescibed plan: three weeks of injections and a very low-calorie diet.

Guess what? It worked! In three weeks she lost 18 pounds.  She’s a different person! Her self-confidence is back. Those pesky, self-destructive ways are gone (minus the Mojito and nachos vacation binge).

Will it last? According to the Mayo Clinic, probably not. Here’s their response to the question, Does the hCG diet work — and is it safe? The short answer? No. Chances are, once you stop the diet and start consuming more calories, you’ll regain the weight.

We at The Diet Joke could have told you that, but nobody ever listens to us. Still, that won’t stop hundreds, maybe thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of men and women willing to give it a go. Google hCG diet and some 38,000,000 results come up.

Like I said, some days the internet makes me sad.

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Dancing Off the Pounds

Friday, October 7th, 2011

I’m not a big Dancing with the Stars fan, but we at The Diet Joke have noticed a not-so-surprising trend: people lose weight on the show.

The latest to shimmy off some size: Ricki Lake, who says she’s lost 13 inches so far; and Nancy Grace, who says she’s lost 15 pounds.

Well done, ladies. It confirms what we’ve advocated all along. If you want to lose weight, get up and start moving. If you don’t like to dance, do whatever you enjoy. Just get shaking.

Of course, you also have to pay attention to how many calories you’re consuming. But here’s the amazing thing, the more active you get, the better you want to feed your body.

It’s like your body says, “Yeah, now we’re talking. Now let’s get me some nutrition.”

Our bodies do actually talk to us, but most of us have learned how to ignore them, the same way we’ve learned to ignore our spouses. Not because we don’t love them, but come on–how many times do we need to hear the big wave story or where the couch is going next.

Here’s some advice that will benefit both your body and your spouse. In the words of K.C. Sunshine, “Do a little dance, make a little love. Get down tonight.”

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